An Enormously Complicated Topic: Part One

For some reason, I've been thinking an awful lot lately about science and physics.  This is odd for me, as usually the things I think a lot about are related to music, talking puppets, or my wife's expanding belly.  And further, if it's something serious and not one of those things, it's something like leadership and marketing, as you may have noticed in this blog.  But recently my mind has been going off on weird and headache-inducing tangents into the realms of theoretical physics and infinity paradoxes.  Along the way, I've thought my way through something that seems to imply that the universe and everything around us is not really what we think it is.  More likely than not, my conclusions are a direct result of me not sufficiently understanding that which I'm thinking about.  But indulge me.  Maybe it'll be educational for both of us.

I suppose I should predicate this discussion with an admission that I am a Christian.  Some people would likely say that my religious nature makes it impossible for me to rationally discuss science; however, I humbly submit that I am a Christian because of science, not in spite of science. 

United Airlines' 10 Rules on How to Make Customers Hate You

Last time I was on a flight with United Airlines, I had a decidedly unpleasant experience. Curious about how this whole experience came about, I snagged a small pamphlet from the flight attendants' break-room.  And wouldn't you know it, I read....

UNITED AIRLINES
WE'RE NOT THE BEST

WE'RE NOT THE CHEAPEST

BUT THEY FLY ON US ANYWAY

GENERAL POLICIES FOR FLIGHT

1. Every major airline has had to massively delay flights lately, keeping customers trapped on planes while they attend to security issues. Our differentiater here at United will be our absolute and utter refusal to speak to our passengers and customers while they are trapped on our plane. This serves the quadruple purpose of (a) making us look busy, (b) making us look important, (c) keeping customers in their place, and (d) saving time.
2. In fact, to enhance the effectiveness of Rule #1, United recommends that all employees avoid making eye contact with customers and passengers while the plane is stuck on the ground. Needless eye contact only invites what we at United are trying to avoid here: communication.
3. While other airlines may trap their customers on planes for legitimate security purposes, we at United will differentiate by trapping them there due to our inability to correctly measure passenger weights. This will allow us to delay flights in order to give us time to decide who to kick off the flight, so that the plane is light enough to actually fly. This also helps to keep our customers in line, as they will constantly be frightened that they will be next to go (this also eliminates the communication and eye contact issues mentioned in Rules 1 and 2).
4. After the plane finally takes off (after kicking off several of the larger passengers), make sure to comment on how you're certain to get everyone to their destination on time, regardless of the fact that you're now departing close to an hour late, and the flight was scheduled for just over an hour in the first place. Remember that most of your customers are terrible at time management and basic math, so the patronization will go right over their heads. By the time they get to their destination and realize how late they are, they'll be too far away from you to complain.
5. Just prior to touchdown, mix up the gate assignments when you announce your passengers' connecting flights. This will give their frantic runs through the terminal a decided sense of adventure and enigma, as they will be unable to guess precisely where they will end up.
6. As your customer finally makes his way to his connecting flight with just a few minutes to spare, be sure to berate him for being so late for the flight. Tell him how lucky he is that you waited for him, and how the plane's just about to take off. Then, just before he actually boards the plane, stop him and make him wait ten minutes or so while you tell him how his carry-on bag will no longer fit in the overhead compartments (even if there quite obviously is a significant amount of space in the carry-on compartments). We must educate our customers on our policies!
7. After take-off, even if the flight wasn't delayed due to our inability to determine how much our planes weigh, stick with Rule #4 and brag about how you'll get everyone to their destination on time, even if the plane actually shows an arrival time of 45 minutes later than originally scheduled. This will give customers a deep sense of contentment as the flight attendants start the in-flight entertainment: advertisements for various failing sitcoms and washed-up comics, and a Kenny Chesney retrospective.
8. Rather than the sandwiches and full meals other airlines serve, differentiate on United flights by offering 'snack boxes' - basically glorified Lunchables with crackers, cheese, and meat - at high prices to increase our revenues. Offer free salmonella and other food-poisoning substances, introduced directly into the food, as a free bonus for our passengers, and make sure the toxins are powerful enough to incapacitate our valued customers for at least 48 hours with fever dreams and dehydration. Our passengers will have to buy our food regardless; after all, their last flight didn't make it in time for them to buy any real food in the airport!
9. Lose your passenger's luggage (see rule 5 - enhance the sense of adventure and enigma). This adds mystery to our customer's lives as they wonder when and if they will see their bags again, as it increases their dependence on our services! Make sure not to make eye contact with the customer or apologize as you inform him that his bag is gone.
10. If you find the bag and deliver it to the customer, open the bag, pour water on the contents, and close the bag. Again, adventure and enigma is the United Way!

The thing I love about airports...

... is just how much you can tell about a city by taking a careful look around in its airport.

Take my home airport of New Orleans, for instance. The airport is bright, colorful, and gaudy. It's also usually messy, and your bags never get anywhere on time. And the food is great, even the Lucky Dogs that are sold right out of the cart. Just like the city... just replace the bit about the bags with "nothing gets done on time, because most the residents are drunk."

Take the nearby airport of Baton Rouge. Average, mediocre, and generally boring in almost every respect, save for a few LSU novelty stores. Just like the city.

Or take the Los Angeles airport. It's jam-packed with advertising, crowded, and lacks any system of mass transit (like the small trains and buses in most major airports). It also features many people who don't speak English and look at you like you're stupid if you have the audacity to speak English. Just like the city.

Or take the Oakland airport. It's done up in a strict monochrome color scheme, drab and depressing, although you can see a little bit of the future in the design every now and then. Just like the city. And, in fact, just like the football team.

Or take the Detroit airport. There's technology and bright lights everywhere you look... not useful or productive technology, but more the kind of thing you might expect to see in a theme park, almost as if the airport was desperately trying to prove it was still technologically relevant. Just like the city.

Or take the Portland airport. There are recycling bins everywhere, but you can't find any good fried shrimp anywhere, no matter how hard you look. It's really good looking, but it's awful wet in there... maybe I'm just unlucky, but it seemed like the roof was leaking. Just like the city.

Or take the Las Vegas airport. There are slot machines everywhere you look, complete with lots of old people pouring their entire life savings into them, and the best selection of good food of any airport of its size. Just like the city.

Or take the Atlanta airport. It's big, and it has a good transportation system, and there's lots to do, but oddly they hide their best culture in the basement (I'm specifically referring to a fantastic display of Zimbabwean art that for some reason, they display in their rarely-seen underground areas). Just like the city.

Or take the Orlando airport. There are more Disney merchandise stores than there are functional airplane gates, leaving the airport with little function other than to support a lumbering entertainment behemoth or two. Just like the city.

Or take the Nashville airport. You used to be able to find some really cool stuff there, but now it's just Kenny Chesney drek.  Just like the city.

I'm sure there are more, but I'm tapped out. I'm off to Tucson to look at cactuses... cactees... cacti! I wonder if there will be stucco in the airport....